Give the People What They Want

Ceci est une pipe

I know I'm pulling a René Magritte stunt here, but the picture above isn't really a pipe.  The picture of a pipe is really just a picture of a pipe.  In this case, the pipe is pixels.  You can't smoke a pipe made of pixels.

Let's take a view from the top:

Ceci n'est pas un pipe

This particular pipe, which probably isn't of any interest to most of our regular readers, is shown here not so that I riff on my knowledge of Belgian Surrealist painters.

"The Treachery of Images."  René Magritte.  Oil on Canvas.  1928.

The reason we are featuring a beautifully handcrafted, one-of-a-kind stainless steel pipe during today's installment is because we got a special request via the old mailbag.

A regular reader from picturesque and glamorous Burleson, TX, wrote:

"Dr. Mr. King, 

"I've noticed in the past that portraits of you often feature you holding a cigar.  I was wondering if you enjoy any other tobacco products.  For instance, are you a cigarette smoker?  What's your stance on vaping and e-cigarettes?  

"I thoroughly enjoy your blog and wish you would update it more frequently.  My wife and I have never been to New Orleans, but, because of what you've written, we are looking forward to a future vacation in your magical city.  I'm sure it's exactly as you describe it.  Whenever you update your blog, my wife receives an email notification through her RSS feed and we get out a couple of cans of Shiner Beer and read it aloud to each other.

"Keep up the good work!  You've got two friends in Burleson (pop. 40,700).  I bet you have friends all over the world!

"Your pal,

(Name Withheld By Request)."

Hi, Name Withheld By Request.  While I do enjoy my cigars, especially cigars from the Finck Cigar Company, coincidentally also located in Texas, I also smoke a pipe when the fancy hits me.  I don't often get questions like this, so you'll have to excuse me if I'm a bit awkward in my answer.  

Most of our guests do not smoke, and there is no smoking allowed inside the walls of our inn.  It's the 21st century, alas.  Guests can smoke in the back garden and all of our suites have private balconies where smoking is permitted as long as all the doors and windows leading inside are closed.  I keep big solid antique cigar ashtrays on the balcony because I think they look nicer than the cheap bakelite ashtrays you find at roadside bars and tamale stands.

I don't smoke cigarettes.  Like Frau Schmitt, who is usually right about these things, I've come to think of cigarettes a nasty and filthy habit.  As an innkeeper, I'm not here to judge anyone, so if you like your coffin nails, more power to you---they just don't agree with me.

As for e-cigarettes, I'm an old fuddy-duddy and I am generally against anything new.  Since most e-cigarettes appear to be made in China, I've always steered clear of them.  I don't eat Chinese canned goods, for instance.  The only Chinese food I eat, when I do, is made in the good old U.S. of A., usually around the corner from our house at the Ming Garden.

Neither Frau Schmitt nor myself has ever eaten at Yummy Yummy on N. Carrollton Avenue, but we do pass by it just about every day. It's across the street from our bank, which we also pass almost every day, usually with a sigh that we have nothing to deposit.

Yummy Yummy Chinese Restaurant

To get to the heart of your letter, Name Withheld By Request, I have a collection of pipes, as any self-respecting pipe smoker does, even a codger like myself.  There is a disease among pipe smokers called Pipe Acquisition Disorder (PAD).  It's the compulsive desire to buy new pipes whether one needs them or not.  It's listed in the DSM-5.  I don't suffer from PAD, myself, but, if I were to smoke a different pipe every day, I can go for two weeks without repeating myself.  To my mind, that's more pipes than I need so I don't buy pipes anymore.

There is a related condition called Tobacco Acquisition Disorder (TAD).  Don't get me started on that.

Here, for your appreciation, is a picture of me holding my fancy-schmantzy stainless steel pipe:

Your humble narrator

I hope your curiosity is satisfied.

I got this pipe from a craftsman in Estonia.  I've never been to Estonia.  I bought it on Etsy.  The cost of living must be very cheap in Estonia because even though this unique metal pipe is hand made, beautifully made, really, and it's a marvel of intricate detail, I don't even think it cost me 50 bucks plus shipping.  

In conclusion, Frau Schmitt and I are looking forward to the day you and Mrs. Name Withheld By Request come to visit us.  What are you waiting for?  Make sure you stay with us for a week.  Nobody ever says their visit to New Orleans is too long.  Even after a week, you won't have seen and done everything New Orleans has to offer.  

There is even a René Magritte painting at the art museum at the end of our street.  You'll see.

À votre santé,
La Belle Esplanade
...where the rest comes easy.